The other one – I haven’t learned it’s face yet. It crops up in different ways each time. The signs change often – once it might be that my pants are too loose. But another time, it’s that all my pants are too tight. I’ve ended up in the hospital so often, I’ve made sure to carry my advance directives with me when I travel. My daughter freaks out if I have to go to the ER – even if it is because of arthritis issues or earaches… That one is going to kill me – the question is when and how I will live to that day. I am constantly aware of my disease (whatever the hell it is). My whole family is constantly aware – if I fail to eat for over 2 hours, Gumby gets stressed. We even have our own code language for it – I often “need a cookie”. This is the first time in 4 years that I haven’t been visiting the docs every 2 weeks – or inpatient – as Jan rolls around. Part of me is elated – part of me is terrified. I look in the mirror and weep – I look like a caricature of a woman most days. I know that I am one blood draw away from crying for hours – wondering what I could have done differently to avert this.

But then…… I finish falling apart. I remind myself that this damn disease is NOT going to define me. It is NOT going to beat me. I WILL enjoy life. I WILL follow dreams that I am just finding – that bastard depression stole enough years from me – this disease won’t steal any more.

I know the pins and needles while waiting for blood work to come back. 8 enlarged lymph nodes for over 9 months – can we say terror? I STILL feel my armpits to make sure they are gone – and that was 3 years ago. Be terrified if there is a hiccup. Turn to M and cry or cuddle, or whatever you need to do until the results come back in. And then pick up your superwoman cape, dust it off – and KEEP LIVING! It’s the best way to show cancer who is the boss!