The Good Stuff.
Posted by wendy on 2012/03/11
I feel like this blog should come with some kind of warning or disclaimer: “Contains swears and long periods of inactivity”. That way, people will know to avert their eyes and not get too attached to daily updates.
We can start with the silly stuff and get that out of the way–
Hair update: 311 days after the end of chemo. Still curly and making me mad with frustration. And, thick! Mylanta, my hair is thick! Will this happen to you, Dear Frantic Googler? I do not know. Everyone is different (expect for that whole “it’ll come back curly!” thing, apparently) and your hair may grow back slower or faster. But, this is me. And yes. I still haaate it. :)
Health update: I haven’t been to a doctor since December! Considering it was once a week for so long, I have to say it’s a little weird, but mostly just really, really normal. I like normal. It’s coming back in slow ebbs. My right breast/armpit area–still tender. And, the spots that are not tender are completely numb. There’s all kinds of action happening on my right side. And, of course–me, being me–all this tenderness is TOTALLYCANCERAGAIN. I know it’s not (probably). I suspect that a part of me will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every new ache, every new pain that I cannot immediately trace to a specific incident panics me a little. I hate admitting that, but I do try to be honest about this stuff. (although, honesty about my feelings has never really been an issue for me–the big issue is the way I avoid those feelings, which is part of the reason I haven’t updated for over a month.)
I am taking my Tamoxifen every day, and between my body finally starting to adjust and the daily Effexor, the hot flashes are FINALLY starting to go away. I still have them occasionally, but I’ve gone an entire day without one. I still have a bit of lethargy, which is frustrating. I’m back to counting calories and working out every day, and it’s still a bit of a struggle–but, I’ll get back where I want to be.
So. Let’s talk about my avoidance of the cancerworld. Last month, we lost Rachel of The Cancer Culture Chronicles. I’d just started getting to know Rachel back in December, and seriously, she was just amazing. I’ve been thinking about her a lot this last month, although I haven’t been around to talk about it. Because…here is the thing: This community, this pack of amazing women that I’ve come to know and admire these past few years–we are endangered. You meet all of these amazing women, and you just fall in love with them through their words, and that instant bond you have because you’ve both been dealt a heavy dose from the shitstick, but some of them have been hit not just once, but several times, and then, someone will lose the battle. And, it’s…it’s this shock, this reminder that all the feel-good propaganda and kumbayah-laden events do not mean a thing. Cancer kills people and it will not be eradicated by gossamer pink ribbons and boas. (not that I don’t enjoy a feathery pink boa, because Lord KNOWS I love that girly crap, people) So, yeah–I’ve spent the last month sad and scared and avoiding this place and all those amazing women because it hurts when you lose them. Then, I remembered something really important–that’s no way to live.
So, hi world. I’m back. And, I’ll be working through this avoidance issue of mine. Because if you avoid the bad stuff, you wind up missing a lot of the good stuff that surrounds it. And, I want to fill my life up with good stuff.