a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

The Good Stuff.

Posted by wendy on 2012/03/11

I feel like this blog should come with some kind of warning or disclaimer:  “Contains swears and long periods of inactivity”.  That way, people will know to avert their eyes and not get too attached to daily updates.

This reminds me of those slips that came with school pictures--I remember cutting them apart and dutifully writing my name and grade on the back of each picture.

We can start with the silly stuff and get that out of the way–

Hair update:  311 days after the end of chemo.  Still curly and making me mad with frustration.  And, thick!   Mylanta, my hair is thick!  Will this happen to you, Dear Frantic Googler?  I do not know.  Everyone is different (expect for that whole “it’ll come back curly!” thing, apparently) and your hair may grow back slower or faster.  But, this is me.  And yes.  I still haaate it.  :)

Health update:  I haven’t been to a doctor since December!  Considering it was once a week for so long, I have to say it’s a little weird, but mostly just really, really normal.  I like normal.  It’s coming back in slow ebbs.  My right breast/armpit area–still tender.  And, the spots that are not tender are completely numb.  There’s all kinds of action happening on my right side.  And, of course–me, being me–all this tenderness is TOTALLYCANCERAGAIN.  I know it’s not (probably).   I suspect that a part of me will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Every new ache, every new pain that I cannot immediately trace to a specific incident panics me a little.  I hate admitting that, but I do try to be honest about this stuff.  (although, honesty about my feelings has never really been an issue for me–the big issue is the way I avoid those feelings, which is part of the reason I haven’t updated for over a month.)

I am taking my Tamoxifen every day, and between my body finally starting to adjust and the daily Effexor, the hot flashes are FINALLY starting to go away.  I still have them occasionally, but I’ve gone an entire day without one.  I still have a bit of lethargy, which is frustrating.    I’m back to counting calories and working out every day, and it’s still a bit of a struggle–but, I’ll get back where I want to be.

So.  Let’s talk about my avoidance of the cancerworld.   Last month, we lost Rachel of  The Cancer Culture Chronicles.  I’d just started getting to know Rachel back in December, and seriously, she was just amazing.  I’ve been  thinking about her a lot this last month, although I haven’t been around to talk about it.  Because…here is the thing:  This community, this pack of amazing women that I’ve come to know and admire these past few years–we are endangered.   You meet all of these amazing women, and you just fall in love with them through their words, and that instant bond you have because you’ve both been dealt a heavy dose from the shitstick, but some of them have been hit not just once, but several times, and then, someone will lose the battle.  And, it’s…it’s this shock, this reminder that all the feel-good propaganda and kumbayah-laden events do not mean a thing.  Cancer kills people and it will not be eradicated by gossamer pink ribbons and boas.  (not that I don’t enjoy a feathery pink boa, because Lord KNOWS I love that girly crap, people)  So, yeah–I’ve spent the last month sad and scared and avoiding this place and all those amazing women because it hurts when you lose them.  Then, I remembered something really important–that’s no way to live.

So, hi world.  I’m back.   And, I’ll be working through this avoidance issue of mine.  Because if you avoid the bad stuff, you wind up missing a lot of the good stuff that surrounds it.  And, I want to fill my life up with good stuff.

x

7 Responses to “The Good Stuff.”

  1. Welcome back Wendy! Missed your voice. Understand your silence. And agree with everything you said.
    PS I happen to think your hair looks beautiful! (But that’s just me, Big sistah C talking!)
    xoxo

  2. Meeta said

    Hi love! You should embrace the curliness!!!…okay well, maybe its because after puberty *I* had to embrace my hair going from stick straight to curly :) If someone would’ve told me that early in life, maybe I would have never gotten that brilliant 80′s spiral perm. Augh. Anyhow, another time…another place. I do have some products I use to manage my curly hair, let me know if you need any suggestions.

    Anyhow, I’m glad you’re back as a blogger :) But I’m also just glad to see your face!!!! I’ve missed you love :)

  3. Wendy,

    So glad you’re back. We need your voice in the mix to help with the shouting. Too many continue to be lost and we can’t keep quiet. We can never settle.

    As for the sad and scared, well, I understand about that. You’re also absolutely right about avoidance equaling missing out.

    And your hair does look great! Wish mine was coming back thick…

  4. jelebelle said

    Welcome back curly hair and all. Thanks for such an honest post. Your photo is lovely :)

  5. minta said

    THESE FOTOS ARE BEAUTIFUL!….so glad to see you back blogging…..sometimes it is best to get out of our own heads…..we can be our worst enemy you know?…. <3

  6. Welcome back, Wendy. We’ve all been taking a break this past month. Rachel’s loss has rendered most of us speechless.

    Glad to see you again. And I know you HATE your hair, because it’s sort of not really YOUR hair, but you look mahvelous, dahling. No lie. xoxo

  7. darlene said

    welcome back. I love your blog and especially this blog – I could have typed this even the part of losing a friend and pink sister – I just lost one last week.
    I finished chemo in nov 2011 and radiation feb this year. every ache I have I think is cancer too because my left breast was sore when cancer was found!!!!
    stay strong.

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