I find myself hesitant to complain here. I’m not sure why, it’s not like I don’t enjoy a good whine, because helloooo–I totally do. It’s just when it comes to ‘real things’, I generally try to keep a good attitude. I find that keeping the faith, so to speak, is a good thing. It gets me through tough times, it makes my treatment go faster–I feel better. And..eh. I hate whining about money. I’ve always managed to get by somehow on my own, and for the first time in my life, I’m just…I’m hitting a wall that offers no way around, over or under. And, hey, that’s what this blog is for, right? Documenting how I feel and what I did.
I feel like I’ve been pulling miracles out of thin air for the past 8 months, and now…it’s just not happening. The financial burden of cancer is such an immense and overwhelming thing (and I’m pretty sure that every cancer patient you talk to has to deal with this on some level) when you’re alone.
I lost my job around the same time this hit, and I had to pick up Cobra to keep my insurance going–I know I should feel lucky about that, and I suppose I do–except when I’m forking over that $459 check every month. Then, I just wish I lived in one of those fabulous ‘socialist’ countries where health care is free. I actually cannot have an objective conversation about healthcare with anyone because I am so overwhelmed by bills that I occasionally cannot breath (hello to the Xanax prescription).
So, I lost my day job, and my ‘night job’ became my full-time gig. It felt like a Godsend, really. Working at home when you’re having major surgery and going through chemotherapy is a very, very good thing, because even when I couldn’t get out of bed, I could pull up my laptop and work. I’ve been working two jobs the past several months, and it’s kept us afloat, but now, thanks to the douchebag hackers at lulz, one of those jobs is in danger of going away. I’ve grown attached to things like, oh–having a house, and eating every day. I have no idea how I’ll keep those things up–hell, I have no idea how I’m going to keep paying COBRA every month, so how exactly do I finish my treatments if this happens? Gah. Whinge, whinge, whinge, panic, panic, panic. This is totally one of those times that I would love to just pull the “but I have caaaaaaaaaaancer” card and let someone else deal with it. Sadly, there is no one else. Only me.
Hacking into a major corporation and shutting down its websites–an internet prank to them…a matter of life and death to some of the people affected by it. I generally try not to wish bad things on other people, but in this case? I really do hope that karma is a bitch. Really.
So, today, I am not sunshine and roses. Maybe I’ll pull a Scarlett and not think about any of this until tomorrah…at Tara, where I will, as God is mah witness, nevah go hungry again!