a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one


Posted by wendy on 2010/11/12

<note:  this is copied and pasted from a letter to friends–I’m going to try to keep all of my documentation in one spot, so there will be a few of these here.>

Hey, it's me
Hey, it’s me

So, I have no idea how to say it so I’ll just say it. I got the pathology back on the lump I had removed last week and it is cancer. I mean, the good news is that he removed the lump so that bit is gone.

The bad news is that the calcification bits are precancerous, so I have to meet the surgeon again on Monday to discuss treatment options and more surgery.

It’s so stupid that I’ve spent a week telling everyone I’m fine, and now I have to go back and say “Oh, yeah, I DO have breast cancer after all.” Well, not stupid, but definitely frustrating. Oh wait. Yes. STUPID. sigh. And, I don’t know, I mean, how does one announce that? The internet has changed the way we interact with people. We post life and death things on Twitter in 140 characters or less, or we use our Facebook status, or we make an arty picture and put a bunch of profound words under it. And, it all feels really inadequate and it makes me so damn angry and I don’t know WHY exactly, but it just feels wrong.

I don’t mind using images to make a statement or if I’m feeling sad–I do it all the time–but this is really NOT something that says “oooo..maybe a lonely tree on a landscape of snow or me being pensive by the window and a poem by Dylan Thomas!” to me, you know?

I got a sweet little pamphlet yesterday entitled “Understanding Breast Cancer”, and it hit me hard. I expect a few more hard hits before it’s over and while I am trying to be positive, I guess I might be a little angry about it, too. Angry at what? Who? bah. No where to direct it, really. It is what it is, and I think we caught it early. I hope we did. I’ll know more Monday. In the meantime, I have an excellent, caring doctor, a fantastic supportive kid (and family), and the best man in the world wrangling me when I’m sad and standing beside me and managing to make sure I feel loved and safe, even when he’s 4,000 miles away. I am so blessed to have them all in my life. So, in a way, I am super lucky.

Maaan, I’m all stabby and snotty about this, aren’t I? Although, my doc DID say that the lateral tissue in my right breast from the mass to the spots was very “angry”. I mean, are any of us really surprised that I have STABBY BOOBS? 🙂

Keeping this private and amongst a few of you now. I guess you guys are my guinea pigs-sorry about that. 🙂 It’s not a secrety secret or anything, I’m just not sure what to say. I keep making this list then chickening out, then remaking it and honestly, I’m not sure I’ll hit send tonight at all and I’ve probably forgotten people I should have told.

I’ll go F&F soon and then public when I’ve figured out how to deal. They say talking about it helps. I don’t know that it does, but I guess I’ll find out, won’t I?

It is important to say that it’s not the end of the world, nor is it the end of ME. It’s just a sucky thing I have to deal with for a bit.


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