a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one


Posted by wendy on 2010/11/23

I am nearly paralyzed with fear sometimes.  The day they told us they were closing the plant, I was in the doctor’s office getting a lump checked out.  I’ve lost my job and I have breast cancer.  I don’t know how to go about looking for another job because I can’t imagine anyone wanting to hire someone who’s going to be out of commission for the next several months on a regular basis.

I have to pick up Cobra insurance to make sure my medical bills are covered, so my monthly bills are about to go up by around $500, and my income has just been cut in half.  I’m more or less uninsurable at the moment, so the only way I have of getting  insurance is to get a job with good benefits.  But, how can I get a job right now?  Who would want me?

It’s this horrible vicious circle and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I have a phone call with a NextJob coach in 40 minutes and while I hope there is some kind of plan that I can follow to get out of this mess, I have this horrible feeling it will be nothing but platitudes and “go get ’em!” pep talks.

It feels too scary and big and I don’t know how I can bear this weight.  I feel scared and really angry, because how am I supposed to handle it?  How is it that life can continue turning when everything is falling apart around me? I’ve had so much hit me in the past week and and half, and I don’t have time to sit and process it or recover from it because I could lose everything  if I don’t act.   Which completely paralyzes me.  I want to climb into bed with Pippin and an Ambien and spend a few blissful hours not thinking about anything.  But, I can’t because I have a phone call at 10 and then I have to go to the doctor and get my instructions for surgery prep and when–WHEN will this stop?

I really hate feeling this way.

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