a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

28.12.10a

Posted by wendy on 2010/12/28

Argument with my son last night because I wanted to use the car to go to the store:

Me: “When did you become the boss of me?”

A: “When you got cancer and had extensive surgery”

It’s funny, but it’s not.  I’m supposed to be the one taking care of him.

I got the ‘Bosom Buddies’ (ha–how twee) newsletter today, and it’s got support meetings for survivors and their partners and then some for survivors, but I kind of wish there was something specific to single women and survival.  It’s very different to go through this alone, I think.  There isn’t anyone here to hold my hair when I’m sick in the night or help me shower.  I have to do this by myself.  That’s not a complaint, really.  I mean, yes–YES, it would be nicer to not be alone, but this is what I’ve chosen.  It is what it is.  The things I want, where I want to be…I know in my heart these things will come.  There is just stuff that must be attended to first.  But, I digress,  don’t I?   Bitching about what IS will not change it and it cannot be fixed at the moment.  I just wish there was someone to talk to.  I guess talking to this blog is a part of my support  group. ha.

Physically, I feel much better today.  The stitches are still tender, but it’s not excruciating anymore.  The thing I could call real pain would be a small section under my arm–and that really only hurts if I move it around too much or if I try to lift it too far.  I’m slowly getting mobility again, and that’s heartening.  I haven’t started back on my elliptical yet.  It concerns me a little.  I’m fairly disciplined when it comes to exercise and I can’t tell if I’m being cautious or if I’m depressed and just don’t want to work out right now.  I know people tell me it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay  to be angry.  I’ve had people say “You deserve some cheesecake!”  But, here’s the thing.  I don’t deserve cheesecake.  That’s just…an excuse to eat shit that’s bad for me.  Food isn’t a reward, food is fuel.  So, I’m not sure that not working out is something I ‘deserve’.  Granted,  I know I have to be careful, but not moving at all isn’t good for me, either.  I did a bit of modified yoga, and I’m pleased to see my legs are still strong.  I wish I could do crunches and weights again, though.

I feel like I should be documenting more.  Self portraiture was once so cathartic for me.  I can’t help but think I should be able to work through cancer with it.  But, I’ve never felt less like documenting anything in my life.

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