a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

Backstory

Posted by wendy on 2011/01/12

I’ve never really discussed how I found my lump.   The first time I felt it was in the tanning bed at the gym.  I was crossing my arms over my breasts and felt something…different.  Since I was already on my back, I did a bit more investigating and felt a really large lump on the right side of my breast.  This was a Friday, and I spent the weekend in a bit of a panic over it, but I didn’t tell anyone.  I called my gynecologist on Monday morning and made an appointment to see her.  There was a 3 week wait before I could get in–and I look back and wonder if I could have gotten in sooner if only I’d been able to VOICE the fact that I had a lump in my breast that was not there before.  I don’t think 3 weeks would have made a difference as far as my prognosis goes, but it would have saved me a great deal of stress and fear.  I should have said something to someone during that time frame, though–that is one thing I’d do differently, I think.  I remember the way my mind would skitter away from it when I touched it–showering, getting  dressed…all those mundane things you do, not thinking about it, then your hand brushes your breast, and there’s something IN you that you kind of know in your heart isn’t supposed to be there…it’s distressing, you know?

I kept hoping that I’d get to the dr and she’d say “Oh, that’s just fatty tissue, you silly girl!  Totally nothing to worry about!”.  Of course, that was not the case.  She scheduled me for a mammogram right  away, and once all the tests were set in motion, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to hide it from the people who loved me.  I was to stress that it wasn’t because I was ashamed or..ah, hell.  I don’t know.  I just didn’t want my lump to be A Big Deal.  I wanted it to be a complete non-issue and I wanted to be able to laugh with everyone about how silly I was to be so scared–after the fact.

Obviously, that’s not what happened, and I have to say that once I started to talk about it–I felt better.  Venting here makes me feel better.   I still didn’t want it to be A Big Deal, but you know–it WAS a big deal.   The night my surgeon called me to tell me I had cancer, everything changed.  It was not a change I anticipated or wanted, but my life changed that night.  The way I handle this change is the only thing I can control.   I fought against accepting this so hard, but I think I’m finally moving into accepting what has happened.  But, I’m realizing that accepting the challenge doesn’t mean I’m giving into it.  It just means I can  focus all that energy on fighting it.  I can accept that I won’t always handle this in the manner that I want to.  I won’t always be brave, I won’t always be noble.   I think that’s okay.  I think getting through this in the best way I can is the most I can hope for.  I’m digressing a little, but as more and more people read this, I want to stress that this blog, this release is occasionally going to sound raw and may not always make sense–but, in the end, I will be okay.  I have so much support  and love behind me–never think it is not appreciated, even if I don’t say anything right away.  It is–more than I can ever articulate.

I may feel like I have had a handful of crap handed to me–but, I know I have the resources and the strength to deal with it.   And, while I have always been the sort to handle these things on my own, having cancer is  teaching me to reach out a little more.  I think it’s a valuable lesson to learn.  I feel alone a great deal of the time, but there are also times (and they come more and more often) that I feel surrounded by love and light.  I’ll try to hold onto that when times get dark.

6 Responses to “Backstory”

  1. Hillary said

    You don’t have to answer but is your son local? I worry. You shouldn’t have to be alone.

  2. wendy said

    He IS–he lives with me, in fact. ❤ (and for REAL, that child is enjoying being the One In Charge far too much–hahaha–he takes very good care of me when I let him.) 😀

  3. I’m so touched by this post. You are such an amazing person. You just are.

  4. wendy said

    ❤ Thank you, dear. Aw, you made me smile.

  5. CindyBeth :) said

    “I won’t always be brave, I won’t always be noble.” That IS ok – and don’t you dare apologize. You have more strength than most. Stay true & strong. Hugs.

  6. You don’t have to always be brave, and you’re allowed to be scared & whiney–sometimes! Keep writing. It’s good therapy for you, plus the world needs to hear it, warts & all.

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