a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

New Ways to Cope

Posted by wendy on 2011/02/01

I need to come up with a few, I think.  I’m far too easily stressed out these days.  Little things get to me in ways they never would.  Years ago, I worked for a mental health HMO and one of the most important things  I tried to remember when I was dealing with patients was this–when you are already IN trauma, even the little things can feel like the end of the world.  I’m experiencing that firsthand now, and I gotta say, it’s way nicer to be on the ‘talking down’ end than being the traumatized patient.

I haven’t actually dealt with the nausea that always sounds so common after chemo, but I am far more sensitive to smells–they don’t necessarily make me want to vomit, but strong smells are very unpleasant.  (serious moment of heartbreak for me was when I realized that M’s body spray was too much.  Because I LOVE the way that man smells.  Thankfully, I like the way HE smells, too–and that bit works fine without the body spray.)

I went to Kroger tonight, and I think I may have to pass that duty off to my son for a bit.  It was seriously just the most unpleasant experience–the smells, the people (I live in FEAR of people entering my personal space and jostling me around)–everything was just awful.  I can’t remember the last time I was so pleased to get OUT of a place and I was exhausted by the time I got home.  Again, though–I don’t know what’s chemo-related and what’s just because of this stupid sinus infection.  bah.  As bad as I feel right now, though–at least I’m up and about, because I couldn’t even do that this weekend. heh.

I still hate my hair, but I may be missing it soon enough–my scalp feels tender, and Dr S said that a tender scalp/tingling would be the precursor to losing my hair.  I’m still vain enough that I dread it so much I cannot say.  I expect that once it starts to fall out, I’ll get A to buzz it off for me.  I know it’s supposed to be all about keeping ‘control’ of the situation, but I gotta say, I’ve never felt less in control.  Everything feels all spinny to me now.

4 Responses to “New Ways to Cope”

  1. You have gone through a wide range of emotions through a very short period of time and you’ve managed to keep yourself together. It’s alright (and completely human) to crumble down a bit. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    The hair will grow back, I promise. For different circumstances I sported a Sinead O’Connor look when I was 15 (yeah, HS days…), and after a few days of anger over the loss of what I thought was my “femininity”, my step Dad gave me a deep talk to remind me beauty comes from within.

    And, girl… you are a beautiful woman inside out. :-*

  2. margaret said

    the hair will come out. and you will mourne. and then you will move on and be one of the few people who gets to actually see the shape of their head. and then the hair will grow back. shit, my mother’s hair is WAY cuter since it grew back. 😉

    my mom also wanted me to tell you that as you proceed through chemo, you should take advantage of every anti-nausea med you can. take them even though you haven’t felt sick–hold it off. she has a million tips for you. we’re cheering you on. xoxo

  3. minta said

    i have a feeling that you are gonna rock that sexy bald look!~ i wanted to also let you know …..even tho i wasnt included in the foto frame gift?…. you are in my thoughts ….i lite incense for you at the buddha in my front garden each nite… =)

  4. wendy said

    Thank you, Michelle. Your dad–smart man, that. 😉

    ooo, Margaret, YES–I am totally hoarding my pills, cause who knows what next week will bring, you know? Hopefully, no nausea, but I’m keeping my expectations low. I feel like the next few will be more indicative. This first time felt like an anomaly, almost.

    Oh Minta–you just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for that. I feel so much love and positive energy coming at me from all around. I really feel it. ❤

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