a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one


Posted by wendy on 2011/02/14

Seriously–that’s about all I’ve done since my last chemo session.  I slept the majority of the weekend–and it wasn’t the kind of groggy sleep where you wake up feeling horrible–it was…sleep.  Obviously, I needed it,  but it still feels like I’m just wasting time when I do it. Today was a bit better–I woke up feeling pretty alert, so yay.

There’s a bit of a taste in my mouth I can’t get rid of–it’s making me nuts, but I bought some hard candy today (sugar-free-yay) to suck on, so we’ll see if that lessens it a bit.

So, I’ve been lucky with nausea thus far (not so lucky with fatigue, apparently–but seriously, of the two?  I still say I’m pretty lucky.), but I have noticed that when I go to my Flickr, my stomach starts to feel a little funny.  It’s my hair.  Well, my lack of hair.  I mean, it is what it is–I can’t get around this, I can’t stop it, but I don’t actually have to LIKE it, either.  And, I most decidedly do NOT like not having hair.  I’m trying to find the “it’s liberating!” feeling so many others have had, but honestly, all being bald does is make me feel really, really ugly.   I thought taking a few pretty pictures would help, but I can’t look at myself right now.  I just want to power through the next few months and get this over with so I can feel pretty again.

I’ll work through it.  I know I will.  I just miss my hair.  And my boobs.  And, frankly, I kind of miss those 61 pounds I lost last year, because at least I KNEW that girl.  I look in a mirror now and I don’t even recognize myself.  It’s insane.

I should have a category named “whinging”, shouldn’t I?  haha.

2 Responses to “zzzzz”

  1. margaret said

    you know, it’s interesting to think about it in terms of knowing yourself. you’ve had a LOT of change over the last year–some of it by choice and some not, of course. I think about how I struggle to figure out who I am without any major changes, and I think I maybe have an inkling of understanding how lost all this must make you feel at times. what I also know is that we–those of us who love and admire you and call you our friend–know the core of you. and that core is stronger than ever. you remain YOU even through all the external changes. and that amazing, loving, wonderful core of you that we adore?? it’s going to be there at the end of this healing process, renewed and restored. cancer changes everything. there’s no doubt in my mind. but like so many difficult things in life, it will become a part of what makes you stronger and more alive. I’m sure of that. xoxo

  2. wendy said

    Thank you. ❤ It blows me away when I think about the fact that I was diagnosed on Nov 11–that's just over 3 months ago. Sometimes, it feels like this has always been my life. I think this is the first illness I've not been able to power my way through–I have to go through the process of fighting it and healing and God knows, I have never been a good patient. 🙂 I'm trying to remember this is just temporary and yes–I will be a stronger, better person for having experienced this. Some days, it's easy to see that. Others, not so much.

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