a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

Reality. Sigh.

Posted by wendy on 2011/06/01

I wonder if 2 weeks off was a smart move, because coming back to reality has been a  little depressing.  Granted, there is always a period of Mope after M and I say goodbye–but, the Mope combined with jumping back into Patient mode is really bumming me out.

I went yesterday for my radiation simulation.  It took around an hour this time (although, I’m told that when we do start radiation proper, it’ll take me longer to drive to the clinic than the actual procedure.).  I had to change into one of those lovely designer mumus, uh..gowns–I told a friend…I always feel so small when I’m standing barefoot in a hospital gown that’s 8 sizes too big surrounded by large machines and total strangers.   I am never more alone than I am in that particular moment.   I generally take a moment to think about all of the people in my life who work very hard to make sure I don’t feel alone–and it helps.

They marked up my chest–it was kind of amusing to try to explain where my tumor was, because everything in that area has shifted a great deal (seriously–there’s a mole next to my left nipple that used  to be at least 3 inches higher on my chest)–I mean, essentially, the area that had the tumor is gone, baby gone–but I managed to give an approximate spot for them.  I have 3 large X-shaped marks–one smack in the middle of my breasts and then one on either side.  There are black lines above and below–to the sides…eh, essentially all around.  And, OF COURSE they show above the neckline of a normal tank top–but, I have made the pledge to myself that it’s too hot for me to worry about offending other people with my port, scars or markers, so no turtle necks for this girl.

On a super happy note,  they are concerned that my port may interfere with the radiation therapy, so I’m currently waiting to hear if it’s going to have to come out before radiation (as opposed to after, as I had originally planned).  When the suggestion was made that the port may have to come out immediately, I admit that it took a great deal of  restraint to NOT leap off the table and hug my doctor.  Cause, it would not hurt my feelings a bit if we dumped the port next week.  Hell, my afternoon is free, if they like to jump right on it.  😉  I’ll find out later this week, and I’m not expecting it to happen, but it is a loverly thing to fantasize over.

After the doctor left, the tech completed my CAT scan, which is of course completely painless–unless you consider extreme boredom to be painful–oh, and I totally do–so OUCH, MAN.  Seriously, that table moved through that donut hole in the machine at around 1/2 inch at a time.  I thought it would never end (I get very dramatic when I’m very, very bored)–EVER!!   I wonder if I could bring an ipod to the next one?  Probably not.  It’s not quite the dentist, is it?  sigh.

It is worth noting that I feel completely normal right now–the effects of the chemo are only evident as outwardly physical things–no eyelashes, no eyebrows–but, I do have a very fine layer of baby hair covering my head now (of which I am desperately proud).  My tastebuds have completely gone back to normal and the Effexor is controlling my hot flashes better than I expected it to.   All good things.   I just desperately wish I was back on that boat rushing down the Thames–no doctors, no keeping track of appointments, no pain.  It was a very good vacation and I can’t wait to get back.  I always feel so at home when I’m there.

Tower Bridge

2 Responses to “Reality. Sigh.”

  1. Welcome home girl! Glad it was a good trip as evidenced by the lack of blogs. Radiation is VERY easy, hope the port is out before it too…how cool would that be? Hey i wrote about portia this week finally too, so yay, it will feel wonderful to get it out. You are rounding third, keep going….


  2. wendy said

    Thank you, ladygirl! I am nearing the finish, and it’s just the BEST feeling. I gotta catch up on everything I missed now and maan, it’s hard to get back into the swing of it. I’m still in ‘vacation’ mode. hehe.

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