a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

Running with scissors and eating all the paste

Posted by wendy on 2011/09/08

My blue period.

I’m just….gah. I’m restless today and tired and a little stabby and I think I need a nap and a time out because I’m not playing very well with others at the moment. I’m like an unruly kindergartener. I need a red and blue mat to nap on. And a coloring book. And my woobie. (I think CS4 is the adult equivalent of a coloring book, so I’ve been processing shots this morning to keep my mind occupied–it’s working so far. yay!)

I’m not sleeping again, and I keep saying that I’m going to get my Ambein prescription refilled (I’ve been out since March-ish), and I never do. I just try to slog through the non-sleeping periods and hope they’ll go away eventually (they do) because the last thing I wanted to walk away from cancer with is an addiction to Ambien. However, this one doesn’t seem to be going away as easily–it may be the one that breaks me and sends me back. Too many things on my mind. bah. October is coming up fast, though–and if I can hang on til then, I think I’ll be able to breathe.

Our dryer died this week (because that’s how life is rolling these days), so we decided in the interim to hang a clothesline outside as a new dryer is not happening for me right now. We bought it Saturday. Or Sunday. I can’t remember, but either way, it’s rained every day since, so I currently have clothing hanging in every doorway of the house. Classy!!

My PET scan has been delayed and rescheduled three times now–the camera keeps going down, so they have to get it repaired, and it’s kind of making me nuts. The next scheduled scan is for Monday at noon, and I’m hoping this one will work out–this no caffeine, high protein, low carb deal the day before is giving me these weird Atkins Diet flashbacks. I think I have Atkins PTSD.  Just knowing I can’t have carbs makes me extraordinarily anxious. I need my grapes in the AM people. NEED. And, yeah, there’s the need to get this done and over with. I need to get these results so I can stop thinking about the What If’s. Knowing a thing intellectually is easy–it’s the knowing it emotionally that gets me every time.

So, hopefully there will be a PET scan on Monday, and then I’ll see my onc on Tuesday. I’m going to push to get the port taken out this month. I’m ready. I’m done. It needs to go. Oh Port! You were the best frenemy I ever had. I can’t wait to drop your ass to the bottom of the English Channel, all Heart of the Ocean style.

That’s going to be a very good day.  So, you know..there’s bad stuff all over here, but there are also silver linings, and I do try to keep my eyes on those.   I’m better at it some days than others, but aren’t we all?

4 Responses to “Running with scissors and eating all the paste”

  1. M5 said

    fingers crossed for the scan.
    have you looked at trazodone as an alternative to ambien? it’s not a sleeping pill, so it doesn’t have any of the crazy side effects. it’s a nice little sedative that’s been on the market for over 20 years and is super cheap (my monthly prescription is $2). I suspect it can produce the same feeling of dependence on a pill to sleep well, but maybe you could take it non-regularly.

  2. wendy said

    No, I haven’t–I may mention that to my dr when I’m there on Tuesday. Yeah, I took the Ambien as non-regularly as I could too. I don’t know why I’m all “aaaa! Addiction!” when it comes to prescription drugs–I mean, the only thing I’ve ever been addicted to was caffeine, so it’s not like I have a crazy history with pills or anything. hahaha.

  3. Devious said

    Get the medication you need. Sleep is one of those critical things that go towards keeping you healthy. You’ll be responsible with the meds.

  4. You’ve probably already heard of/tried melatonin? Other than the bizarre “someone’s trying to kill me” dreams occasionally, it works well for me. Anywhere from 1.5 to 3 mg a night, about 30 minutes before bedtime. And really, I don’t care if someone’s trying to kill me as long as I’m getting SLEEP while they’re trying it.

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