a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

Change is inevitable. And scary. But good.

Posted by wendy on 2011/10/02

Our lives can spin out of control so quickly–and when you’re first diagnosed with cancer, the whirlwind you find yourself in does not seem to stop–ever.  I told a friend today it’s like busting through a series of brick walls.  You get through one, and there is another one standing directly in your path.  It’s the nature of it.  I’ve got this…idea of a quote I’ve read somewhere about tempering steel–and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen a blacksmith banging a sword against the wall in order to make it sharper, so maybe I’m mixing up analogies.  Hang on, while I hit google,  will you?  Go get something to drink–or, if you like, go on and hit the link to the Boobiethon and peruse around for a few minutes, and I’ll meet you back here in 2 minutes!  Okay, I’m back and I found it!

The fire of adversity will melt you like butter, or temper you like steel. The choice is yours.

YAY!  I really like that quote.  Of course, in the time that I ran around google to find that quote, I also found more really cool clown make-up ideas, a recap of last Thursday’s Project Runway, and a dreamy picture that my friend Emily posted on my wall of Dylan Moran and I kind of lost the thread of this  post.  I am easily distracted by shiny things.

Now and Then

THREADS!  Yes, I know where I was going with this.  I fought so hard against the idea that cancer would change me.  I liked me!  I didn’t want me to change, to be different–I didn’t want to lose my breasts, I didn’t want to lose my hair, I didn’t want to be anything other than the girl I saw in the mirror in November of 2010.  The thing is…we all change.  I mean, that’s what life IS.  Things happen to all of us, good and bad, and we hit the brick wall or get tossed into the fire and then we come out..different.  So, maybe the ‘change’ bit is out of our control–but we can control the outcome.  Having breast cancer changed me–I mean, literally–helloooo to the Now and Then next to this paragraph.

So..yeah.  I’m different.  And, I fought so hard against it, but once I decided to accept the reality of what had happened to me, suddenly….I was okay with the changes–physical and mental.  I’m stronger and wiser and there are days that I am steel and fire and seriously, brick walls need to STEP OFF.  um…lest I give the impression of being a Super Hero here , there are also days that getting out of bed and getting dressed to leave the house feels like an insurmountable task.  But, even the ‘bad’ days and moments are tinged with this sense of being grateful to be here to experience the highs and lows of being alive.

My Aunt Puppy told me I ‘have a glow’ about me now.   I told her it was the hot flashes.  😉

It’s Day 2 of the Boobiethon, and as I mentioned, I am the Bloggers Helping Bloggers recipient this year, and I am overwhelmed and completely out of ways to show how grateful I am to everyone who has donated this year.  I have alternated between fits of weeping and elation and introspection and I feel so humbled by the outpouring of help that’s been thrown my way.  I had $2.82 in my bank account on Friday–we were drowning and you guys have thrown us a lifeline.  So, thank you.  Thank you from me, thank you from my son, thank you from Pip and thank you from Emma.

Here I am again.  Grateful to be alive to experience something beyond any expectations that I had.

Thank you so much for that.

Thank you.

13 Responses to “Change is inevitable. And scary. But good.”

  1. cat said

    i love you.

  2. Ginger said

    Me too. I love your honesty. If we were all more honest about our fires of adversity, maybe more people would temper better. I love that you’re showing us how.

    • wendy said

      Maan, Sharing is so hard sometimes, but it’s a bit like lancing a boil–it hurts, but it feels loads better after. 🙂 Thank you. love.

  3. I love the idea of adversity tempering us like steel. BC certainly has done that for me — but like you, some days I’m Superwoman and others I feel so vulnerable and emotionally raw. Those cancerchicks who’ve been in cancerland longer than you and I have swear that it gets better, so let’s hope so. Meanwhile, keep blogging!

    • wendy said

      Yeah, I think it DOES get better–and all the crap we wade through to get to that ‘better’…well, that makes US better. I like to think that, at least. But, I also think that a piece of chocolate cake makes a fine breakfast as long as you have a glass of milk with it. Dairy is important!!! 😉

      ❤ to you, girl.

  4. You are an amazing woman Wendy and I can not wait to meet you in person!!!!!!!!!

  5. narly said

    1) You are awesome

    2) I saw Dylan Moran a few weeks ago live. He is seriously funny 🙂

  6. Wendy I hope one day I can be half the woman you are! Even now as I type this I can barely see from the tears. I have been thinking about you a lot. I have wanted to write something but could not think of the right words to express how much you have affected me. I now realize there are no words. I guess I just want to say Thank You for sharing so much of yourself with us and also Thanks for being so Friggin Fantastically Awesome.

  7. Aw, maan. You’ll make ME weepy woman! :)Seriously I have been a mess this week. It is amazing. Thank you for being my friend. Xxx

  8. Ed Thompson said

    Your courage and inner strength is amazing, Wendy. I lost my fav auntie to cancer. I’ve always tried to help raise awareness and help those who are suffering. Is there anything I can do for you and the kids? Please don’t hesitate to let me know at wolfkhan999999@aol.com. Thank you for being such an example, Sweet Lady.

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