a little c

because I refuse to give it a big one

Change is the New Normal

Posted by wendy on 2011/04/22

Chemo #7 went off without a hitch yesterday.  My blood count is the lowest it’s been yet, but apparently, my onc has discovered that my insurance company had already okay’d TWO Neulasta shots for me, and the pharmacy had sent over two, so I have one left–I’m getting it this morning!  *dances*  This should help shoot my blood count right back up where it should be and that will keep me on track for my May 5 finish date.  I haven’t mentioned here that my onc is pregnant, so I met with the doc who will be taking over her patients when she goes out on maternity leave yesterday–loved her, too.  She’s chatty, like me, and I think we broke the morning schedule with our bonding.  😉 It’s nice to know that when I go in for my follow-up visits, I will, yet again, be dealing with a doctor that I really LIKE.  Lucky girl, that’s me.

In addition to the most excellent Neulasta news, we also discussed the fact that I’m moving into the radiation phase, so she’s set up a preliminary appointment with a radiologist next Friday.  And, that’s when the fear hit me.

I am actually afraid to finish chemo.  I mean, don’t get me wrong–chemo SUCKS–but,  it has been my routine for the past few months, and I’m…used to it.  I know what to expect.  I get to sit in the same recliner (my lucky chair!) every week, I love my doctors, I love the nurses and the receptionist.  I love Buddy, the volunteer who brings me graham crackers and knows just how I take my coffee.   I like the atmosphere at the clinic, because it is upbeat and there are smiles everywhere you look–even on the patient’s faces.   Clearview is an excellent place to receive care, and while I know I’ll be back for check-ups, etc…I am about to move on.

I’m graduating Chemo 101 with flying colors, and now they’re moving me to a new clinic with new people and new doctors and I feel so apprehensive about that.  The intellectual part of me knows this is a bit silly–finishing chemo, starting radiation–this is all very good stuff.  I mean, the radiation is the end of my ‘to-do list’.  (wait–getting my port out is the end, but I doubt there will be much apprehension when that little bit comes up-ha.)  I’m all full of dread, though.

I know there is a bright side to this–my hair is going to start to grow back, my taste buds will return, the hot flashes will subside and go away, I’m one step closer to putting this behind me.  I know this.  Moving on is a good thing.  I know it.  But, knowing a thing intellectually and knowing it emotionally is not always an easy thing to do.   It’s a change–and there has been so. much. change. in my life the past 6 months, I should be used to it by now–Change is my new normal.  heh.  New docs, new offices, new procedures, a whole new set of unknowns that I will need to investigate and learn.

The Devil You Know over the Devil You Don’t, eh?

6 Responses to “Change is the New Normal”

  1. pete said

    love you. you may have fear, but you’re one of the bravest people I know.

  2. wendy said

    Love you back, Pete. ❤ Aw..you make me blush. Thank you. I'll work through it (hopefully, with minimal bitching-well, probably not *snicker*), and get a new routine in place, I have no doubt.

  3. CindyBeth said

    I’m glad you like your onc’s – it makes things so much better. Here’s hoping your routine gets a wee bit more boring soon 🙂 *hugs*

  4. heathre said

    i like it – ‘change is the new normal’. i continue to be inspired by your kick ass attitude through all this. xoxox

  5. okay girl, it’s a fresh hell but an easier one. Except the radiation tats, but i will tell you ask them to number them, that dot to dot around your breast comes in handy later 🙂 I will tell you this, I thought radiation was easy, I felt nothing and just laid there so the worst is behind you. But i get your sadness, even shit is warm and familiar 🙂


  6. wendy said

    Cindy and Heather, I’mma keeees you both one day. I know it. ❤

    aaaaahahahahahaha! Lauren, I just had the best laugh over this "even shit is warm and familiar". (it's funny cause it's truuuue!). I think once I meet the radiologist (and I am thrilled to find that my new radiologist is also a woman–there is something so comforting to me about being able to talk to another "girl" about this stuff.) and get the plan in motion, I'm going to feel much better about this–because it really IS the last little bit to this current ordeal, and that's a good thing. Really, I'm so lucky–this time has flown by, and I have had a fairly decent time of it. It could have been worse.

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