Bridezilla With a Touch of Steinbeck

Hello world!  I’ve been off again, doing real-life things and ignoring all things c-related, but I have a super excellent excuse this time:  I’m getting married!!!  In July!!  aaaahhiiiiieeeeeee!!!  So, there’s no cancer stuff below–just girly squeeing and complaining about how expensive porta john rentals are these days.

I want to pet it and squeeze it and hug it and name it George!!

Let’s begin with the girly squeeing.  I love my ring.  I LOVE IT!  It’s unexpected and it’s unique and it’s beee-you-tiful, I tell you!  Wait, I won’t tell you–I’ll show you:    Look to your right!  No, your other right!  There you go.  Right there.   Isn’t it pretty?  Don’t you love it?  Yes!  Yes, you do.

So, as you may have guessed, I am very emotional at this time in my life.  VERY EMOTIONAL.  The word ‘bridezilla’ has been bandied about with my name (jokingly, thank goodness), but you know, it got me to thinking…WeTV has more or less ruined having the occasional (and I think very normal) bouts of The Dramas that we get when something huge is happening in our lives–like, oh…a wedding.

I’ve always maintained that the Bridezilla television show would be so much more satisfying if the horrible women who star in it got left at the alter.  I mean, I’d WATCH that show, because I love a good comeuppance.  Sadly, they do not get left, and those of us who like to see karma coming around to kick people in the shins when they deserve it are left unsatisfied.  I don’t get the women who say “I’M A BRIIIIDEZILLLA!” with such obvious glee and pride.  Are there women to aspire to be that horrendous to the people around them?  Am I supposed to be demanding and crazed and unreasonable–am I doing the bride thing incorrectly if I’m not?  There’s even a quiz on the main page of their site–I guess I need an online quiz to ascertain the level of bridal douchebaggery that lurks deep within my soul.

Aw, we’re happy.

That said, I AM in a high state of nervousness–who wouldn’t be?  But, thus far, I haven’t taken it out on any poor unsuspecting souls who cross my path.  I’m not so much a Bridezilla as I am a Lenny.  I cannot do ANYTHING.  I’m forgetful, I’m slow, I’m incapable of focusing on anything remotely difficult or intricate. I break things without meaning to.  I’m sitting around with a dopey grin on my face most of the time and not getting ANYTHING done.   Seriously, M put a ring on my hand, and I think my IQ dropped 20 points.

I may have to revisit this post in 3 weeks and see if I still feel all dopamined up and lumberingly happy.  Who knows?  My inner Bridezilla may be waiting in the wings to pounce on the first poor, unsuspecting soul who brings me red gerbera daisies with slightly browned edges.  Or, I’ll break into a stream of unbridelike expletives the next time I’m told I have to rent a porta-john for FOUR days when I actually only need it for one day.   I mean, seriously.  Four days?  Also, stop telling me I need at least 3 of them.   It’s a wedding, not Coachella.

Fancy outhouses notwithstanding, at the end of the day, I’ve decided that if M and I walk away from this shindig as a fully fledged married couple, then it’s been a success.   I could not be happier with my choice of partner.  He’s some kind of wonderful, that boy.

Adrenaline Junkies

I should be gearing up for chemo tomorrow–it feels crazy that I’m not.  There is a part of me that cannot believe that bit is over.  I’ve got a fine layer of fuzz on my head right now, and while I realize that it will take a while for it to grow back–I know that it will grow back and I will once again recognize the girl in the mirror.

I’m having a blast in England so far.  Today is my last day alone because M comes back home tonight (he’s been off on a business trip the last few days) and I will be so glad to see that man!  It’s been good practice for me–wandering around by myself, but it’s very odd to be here in his flat without him next to me.

We did a bit of urbex around St. Crispin’s Asylum last week–the grounds are amazing and they’re turning them into condos, so I’m very glad I got to see and photograph the “before”.  There is a fence around the grounds, so getting in involves a bit of slipping through and under, but once in–it’s just a wonderland of decay and remnants of a forgotten era.  Sadly, we’d only been inside around an hour when the security guard came round and escorted us off–I’d really love for a video of our capture, though, because I was perched high on a second floor window ledge (M had rigged up a plank to get us across) like some large frightened American bird–M was completely cool and affable towards the guard, who was actually very nice (if somewhat sternly disapproving) about the whole thing.

On the way home, we discussed the adrenaline rush we both got–from both being in such a fantastically eerie spot and–let’s face it–getting caught and tossed out.  I’m a little afraid we liked that too much.  What if we turn into one of those couples who are constantly looking for the next rush?  What’s next?  Parachuting out of a plane?  Bungee jumping?!  eeek.  I kind of hope not.  I like my feet on the ground.  Well, I can occasionally be persuaded to step onto a ledge.  It’s the jump that I’ve always had difficulty with.

He had me at ‘donuts’.

3 years ago today, a smartass Brit and I exchanged a few cheeky messages about money and donuts.  We didn’t realize at the time, but both of our lives changed that day–in the best possible way.  I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life lately–being diagnosed with cancer will do that to you (as my fellow cancerchicks well know)–and, if I have learned nothing else about myself, or about us this past year, it’s that there is nothing we cannot face, nothing we cannot do if we are together.  I found someone who looks at me today with the same love and appreciation in his eyes as he did when I had hair to my waist and a very different body than the one I have now.  He has been there for me through tears and despair and he makes me laugh and smile like no one ever has.  The caliber and depth of his core being astounds and humbles me.  My kid loves him, my dogs love him.  I love him.

Oh yeah–he somehow managed to turn me into a big schmoopy, gross GIRL.  I hope all the glitter and unicorns from the above paragraph don’t drive you guys away, cause I DO have actual cancer-related updates.  😉

I’ve had a much harder time of it without the Neulasta shot after chemo.  I’ve been really run down for the past week–although I did get good news on Thursday when I went in for my bloodwork:  my white cell count IS climbing back up on its own, so I should be able to power through the next 2 treatments with no interruption.  I am SO THANKFUL for that, because I was genuinely distressed at the idea of having to schedule my treatments out to 3 weeks apart instead of 2.  I was having all kinds of anxiety dreams about it.  I’ve looked to May 5 as my last day for so long, I don’t want that to change.  So, YAY!

Now for the BOO part of my last week–I’m officially in ‘chemopause’.  Holy crap at the hot flashes!!  I was having them very nearly every hour on the hour for around 4 days, but my onc prescribed Effexor, and it has cooled me down a bit–I only had a few yesterday.  My onc says  they’ll go away once I’m out of chemo, so I guess I’ll just dress in layers for the next 3 weeks, because–oh yeah–the clothes need to COME  OFF when they hit and I don’t want to frighten any random children at the supermarket if one hits me in the produce section.

Since my body has undergone some pretty drastic changes in the past year, I’ve become a thrifting fiend, so I want to share my latest finds.  We have some fantastic places around here:

I love this dress!!

Jonathan Saunders for Target – Buckle Ponte Dress in Eternal Flame (Thrifted – New with tags–$6 – It fits like a DREAM and it’s so completely adorable! I loveloveLOVE this dress!)
Coat – Chaus (Okay–not thrifted–I got it at Dillards for $14–they’re going out of business and I found this on the clearance rack.–it’s got a cute little ruffle feature on the back that I completely forgot to get a shot of. doh.)
Shoes -Bandolino Mary Janes – $2.88
Hair – Well, okay. That’s not thrifted, either. Paula Young dot com – The Jaclyn Smith collection. 😉